I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
