Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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