I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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