This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
