So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
