My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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