I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize