Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
