I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
