I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I have fence marks all over my body
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
