meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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