I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
