i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
