he puts the penis in happiness.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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