note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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