if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
