don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
