Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
