also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Randomize
