The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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