I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
porn star boner night. come get it.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
