Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
