We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
