Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
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