Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
