I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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