I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
