hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
