So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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