He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize