Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
