I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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