I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize