Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
