In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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