My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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