i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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