everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
