I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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