You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
