I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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