I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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