I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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