One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
