yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
