It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
