im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
