The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
