sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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