why didn't you poke me back
That's intense
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
