how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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