Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
