I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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