at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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