awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
